How to Speak Your Truth Without Guilt: Why It’s So Hard—And What It Has to Do With Self-Care
- Kori Propst Miller, PhD
- Jun 13
- 8 min read
Updated: Jul 7
We’re often taught that self-care is a bath, a walk, or a moment alone with a book. But sometimes, self-care is something much harder. It’s the moment you speak your truth without guilt, even when it disrupts the peace. Even when your voice shakes.
Saying “I don’t like this anymore.”
Letting someone down who’s used to you always saying yes.
Telling the truth, even when your voice shakes.
The truth is, self-care often starts where compliance ends. And for many of us, compliance started early.
The Inheritance of Silence
Many of us learned, often without words, that being good meant being agreeable.
We watched our mothers and grandmothers hold things in, swallow their frustrations, and smile through discomfort. Sometimes, the silence wasn’t gentle—it was suffocating.
I think about the story my mom shared with me recently. She was a child, camping with her family. Everything seemed normal… until suddenly, it wasn’t.
Her mother—my grandmother—snapped.
Screaming. Throwing dishes. A total eruption.
My mom remembers standing there, frozen. No one said anything. No one explained. And afterward, the moment was swallowed in silence, like it had never happened.
That was the message: Explosions happen when emotions are buried for too long—but even then, they don’t get acknowledged.
What gets modeled for many of us—especially women—is emotional suppression in the name of keeping the peace.
Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make it about you. Don’t be difficult. Just manage.
So we internalize it. We become adaptable. Pleasant. Helpful. We convince ourselves that swallowing our truth is virtuous. That not needing anything is strength.
It lives on—in bodies, in families, in inherited blueprints about who gets to have needs and who doesn’t.
And it works—for a while. Until it doesn’t.

The Quiet Crisis of Self-Abandonment
Self-care becomes impossible when your reflex is to disappear.
To be the easy one.
To keep things running smoothly.
To smooth the edges, absorb the tension, and tell yourself “it’s not worth the fight.”
But what gets sacrificed when we do that—again and again—is not just our preferences.
Eventually, the internal tension becomes too much.
You find yourself snapping at small things. Feeling resentment in relationships that once felt fulfilling. Disappearing in conversations and then wondering where you went.
You may not be throwing dishes—but something inside you is breaking.
Here’s what I want to say: You don’t have to wait for a breakdown to begin your breakthrough.
But also?
When you do tell the truth, it’s likely that the emotional aftermath will surprise you. And that’s part of the process too.
A Real-Life Story: How One Woman Learned to Speak Her Truth Without Guilt
Dana (name changed for privacy), a client of mine, had been stewing for weeks over a friend who dominates every conversation.
She also recognizes how often she says yes to all of her friend’s requests.
Dinner help, childcare swaps, emotional vent sessions that lasted well beyond the boundaries of a healthy friendship.
The truth? She didn’t want to keep doing it all.
Every time Dana would open up or share something personal, the friend redirected it back to herself.
Dana started to dread their interactions.
She wasn’t angry yet—but she was on her way.
And she didn’t want to just put up with it forever.
But when she considered sharing her experience, she hesitated.
Her brain flooded with thoughts:
What if she thinks I’m selfish?
What if I ruin this friendship?
Is this really worth it?
Would a good friend just let it go?
“Am I making a big deal out of nothing?”
She was so afraid of being “too much.”
The fear was in her chest.
Her hands shook when she held her phone.
She’d written and deleted the message ten times.
Together, we worked through it:
We named what she needed to say.
We rehearsed what it would feel like to send it.
We talked about what she’d do after—when the guilt and doubt tried to pull her back.
Dana learned that the thoughts aren’t signs she’s doing it wrong.
They’re signs she’s doing something new.
Your nervous system won’t always be on board the first time you set a boundary.
But that doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong.
It means your system is adjusting.
And self-care is staying with yourself through the discomfort—not abandoning yourself in order to soothe someone else.
Eventually, Dana sent a text that was direct but caring. It said:
“Hey, can I share something? I sometimes feel like there’s not space for me in our conversations. I really value our friendship, and I want it to feel more mutual. Would you be open to hearing me more fully when we talk?”
And then she waited.
Her friend responded surprisingly well. She thanked Dana. She even said she’d had a feeling something was off and was glad Dana brought it up.
But here’s what matters most: Dana didn’t shrink afterward.
Even when the guilt came.
Even when her brain screamed, “Why did you say that?!”
Because she’d prepared for the storm—and was ready to stay with herself through it.

When the Other Person Doesn't Respond Well
Not every story wraps up like Dana’s.
Sometimes, when you finally speak a long-held truth or set a long-overdue boundary, the other person doesn't receive it with openness or gratitude. Instead, they might respond with:
Defensiveness: “I don’t know where this is coming from—you’re being way too sensitive.”
Guilt-tripping: “Wow. I guess nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”
Dismissal: “That’s not what happened—you’re blowing it out of proportion.”
Blame: “Well, maybe if you had said something sooner…”
When this happens, it can feel like confirmation that speaking up was a mistake.
You might feel the urge to immediately smooth things over, backpedal, or soften your message just to make the discomfort go away. This is your nervous system trying to keep you safe—especially if you’ve historically been the peacekeeper or the one who managed everyone else’s emotions.
But here’s what’s crucial to remember:
The discomfort of someone else’s reaction doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing.
Other people’s defensiveness isn’t a reliable indicator of whether your truth was valid.
Their inability to hold space doesn’t make your needs less worthy of being named.
Your job isn’t to manage their emotions—it’s to stay with yourself, especially now.
Guilt Isn’t the Enemy—It’s a Messenger
When you speak up, guilt might show up fast and loud.
It might whisper: “You shouldn’t have said that.”
Or scream: “You’re being selfish.”
Especially if you've ever shared something, and there's a delay in the person's response!
While guilt is a helpful emotion, it isn’t always a sign you’ve done something wrong. It's important to question it. Guilt is a signal that you're misaligned with your values. Is that true? Is your quest and desire for intimacy and a different, closer, more equitable relationship going against your values... or working for them?
Guilt will often show up when you’re doing something new—something that challenges an internalized belief about your worth, your role, or your responsibility.
Let the guilt surface. Sit with it. Ask:
“What story is this guilt trying to protect?”
Often, it’s not your truth—it’s an old rule that doesn't belong you to, that you didn't choose, that you’re finally ready to rewrite.
When the Guilt Feels So Strong: What to Do When You Want to Recede
When the pushback hits, you’ll likely hear an internal chorus of fearful thoughts:
“Maybe I was too harsh.”
“What if I ruined the relationship?”
“Maybe I should’ve just kept it to myself.”
This is when you need to be your own ally the most. Try this:
Pause and breathe. Ground into your body. You may feel heat, pressure, shakiness—sensations of vulnerability. They are not proof that you did something wrong. They are signs that you’re doing something new.
Affirm your intention. Remind yourself: I didn’t speak up to attack. I spoke up to be honest. I’m allowed to express what’s true for me. This is what true intimacy is!
Check for old patterns. Is your instinct to apologize for things you’re not actually sorry for? Are you tempted to appease so someone else feels more comfortable—even if it means abandoning yourself?
Choose a small next step. Maybe that’s journaling. Maybe it’s texting a trusted friend. Maybe it’s not responding right away. The goal isn’t to fix the situation—it’s to stay connected to yourself.

Even if There's No Pushback: How to Take Care of Yourself After You Speak Your Truth Without Guilt
After you've done something big and growth-oriented, you may feel a comedown.
Sometimes, you’ll speak up and feel worse before you feel better.
You’ll feel raw, exposed, overreactive. You’ll wonder if it was worth it.
When you’ve rocked the boat, tension can rise. Relationships may feel strained. You might feel the impulse to smooth it over, take it back, or apologize just to ease your own discomfort.
That doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
It means you’re experiencing the discomfort of no longer abandoning yourself.
Growth isn’t just uncomfortable because others might respond poorly.
It’s uncomfortable because you’re shifting a lifelong pattern.
And your nervous system will need time to catch up.
This is where real self-care steps in.
How to Care for Yourself After Your Speak Your Truth Without Guilt: Weathering the Emotional Storm
Self-care isn't just the brave thing you do once. It's how you treat yourself after.
Here’s how to practice self-care after the apple cart tips:
Expect internal backlash.
Your brain will default to old programming. You’ll hear things like:
“You’re being dramatic.”
“You hurt them.”
“You should’ve just let it go.” Expect it. Plan for it. Don’t believe everything you think.
Breathe through the activation.
You’re not in danger. You’re in discomfort. Take a walk, shake it out, stretch. Let the energy move.
Anchor in the truth.
You told the truth. That’s not something to apologize for. Say to yourself, “I showed up. That matters.”
Track the reps.
One moment doesn’t change a pattern—but repeated moments do. Every time you don’t abandon yourself, you’re creating a new pathway.
Get support.
Share your experience with someone who gets it. Someone who won’t tell you to just let it go.

The Science of Change: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Speaking Your Truth Without Guilt (On Repeat)
The pattern to shut up, smooth it over, and shrink yourself is strong.
But so is your capacity to shift.
Every time you speak up and stay with yourself, you’re teaching your brain a new story:
“I can handle this.”
“I can have hard conversations and still belong.”
“I can feel guilt without backpedaling.”
“I can be honest and safe at the same time.”
This is neuroplasticity in motion.
It’s the biology of becoming.
Not because you’ve become harder—but because you’ve become truer to yourself.
You’re Allowed to Change What You Tolerate: Speaking Your Truth Without Guilt Can Become Your Default
It’s okay to want something different now.
It’s okay if what worked for you before—being quiet, flexible, low-maintenance—no longer fits.
You’re allowed to shift the rules of engagement in your life, even if it feels scary.
Especially if it feels scary.
Because the truth is, the discomfort of honesty is far more healing than the comfort of hiding.
You don’t have to do it all at once. Just one moment at a time.
You’re building self-trust.
And that? That’s the kind of self-care that no candle or bubble bath can replicate.
It Gets Easier
Speaking your truth is a practice. It won’t always feel good.
It won’t always be met with kindness.
But every time you choose not to abandon yourself, you’re rewiring an old survival pattern and reclaiming your voice.
Even when the other person doesn’t respond well.
Even when you feel shaky and uncertain afterward.
Even when part of you wants to disappear.
Every time you stay, breathe, and affirm your right to your truth—you build strength.
Not the kind that hardens you. The kind that roots you.
Need help nailing down your personal strategies for speaking your truth?
→ Subscribe to Get Your Free Journaling Guide: “Speak Your Truth Without Self-Abandonment”
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