You Are Not a Problem to Be Solved: How to Reclaim Steadiness When Struggling with Emotions

We live in a culture that trains us to view emotional struggle as a flaw.

Like a math problem. Something with one right answer. Something to be figured out, mastered, moved past.

And many of my clients come to me believing there’s a single “correct” way to feel about a situation—like they’re supposed to land on one emotion and stay there. But one of the most profound shifts in our work together is realizing that it’s not only natural, but wise, to feel many emotions at once. Relief and resentment. Gratitude and grief. Peace and panic.

Naming these layered experiences doesn’t mean you’re confused—it means you’re honest. It means you’re connected. And it’s one of the most powerful things you can do when struggling with emotions.

So… if you’re feeling a lot, all at once, it isn’t a sign you’re broken.

What if your anxiety, your perfectionism, your control, your freeze—aren’t character flaws... but clues?

Clues that your body remembers.

Clues that younger parts of you once carried something too heavy.

Clues that your strategies—the ones you may now resent—once kept you safe.

You are not broken. You are adaptive. And deeply wise.

And the mess you’re trying to outrun might be the very place your wholeness begins.

Glennon’s Story: The Moment the Rules Started to Unravel

Glennon Doyle, author and activist, has spent many years reckoning with the very strategies that once gave her life order and control. In treatment for anorexia, she began to see what she had once called “just who I am”—the discipline, the rigidity, the constant managing—as survival strategies. Not personality traits. Not flaws. But brilliant attempts to manage pain.

In an interview on the 10% Happier podcast, she shared how discipline gave her safety. Control gave her a role to play. But she also wasn’t feeling. She wasn’t with herself. And now, her work isn’t about mastering herself—it’s about meeting herself. Over and over again.

She talked about Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach I use in my practice with clients, that invites us to see ourselves as made up of many parts. She imagined all those parts—protector, performer, achiever, critic—sitting at a conference table. And at the head of that table: a compassionate, wise leader. Her truest self. Listening. Welcoming. Not fixing. Just making space.

Control is Not the Same as Care

Many of us confuse control with emotional maturity.

We think if we can just get the anxious thoughts to stop… if we can just push through the exhaustion… if we can just find the right affirmation, diet, planner, morning routine—then we’ll finally feel calm.

Worthy.

Fixed.

When you’re struggling with emotions, it’s tempting to reach for control. But control isn’t care.

Self-trust doesn’t come from domination. Steadiness doesn’t come from silencing our inner world. It comes from being in relationship with it.

And the parts of you that feel chaotic or messy or “too much”? They are not barriers to your healing. They are the healing.

When It Feels Like Too Much: A Client Story of Struggling with Emotions

In a recent coaching session, I asked my client, “Where do we begin?”

She sighed. Then came the flood:

Ten heavy things. One after another. No punctuation. Just this cascade of stress and responsibility and shame. And then she ended it with:

“So I don’t know where to begin. It all just feels so… messy.”

I gently asked, “How about we start right there? With the messy.”

That moment shifted something.

We didn’t try to solve it. We sat with it. And in that space, she got to be with herself—not perform. Not fix. Not out-think. Just be in relationship with what was rising inside.

So often, we override what’s showing up. We try to think our way out of feelings. We analyze instead of attune. But the spiral doesn’t stop when we turn away—it softens when we turn toward.

What If Love Was Leading?

One of my favorite practices of turning toward comes from author Elizabeth Gilbert.

When she feels tangled up in confusion or shame or fear, she writes a letter. But not just any letter.

She starts with the question: “Love, what would you have me know?”

And then she lets Love answer.

This might sound simple, but it’s profoundly disarming. Because in the voice of Love, there is no pressure. No harshness. No shame. There is only gentleness. Humility. Tenderness.

And how often do we speak to ourselves that way?

How often do we let Love lead?

Struggling with Emotions Does Not Mean Your Emotions are the Problem

In my work I see it again and again: behind the burnout, beneath the urgency, underneath the pressure to prove and perform…

There’s a protector.

There’s a little one.

There’s an exhausted part just trying to keep it all together.

Struggling with emotions doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It often means something is deeply wise within you is speaking.

When we stop labeling those parts as weak or “too emotional” and instead listen—the wisdom becomes impossible to ignore.

You don’t need to be “more rational.” You need to feel safer being real.

You don’t need more discipline. You need more devotion—to yourself.

If You’re Struggling with Emotions, Try This: A Moment of Inner Listening

Next time you feel overwhelmed, stuck, or self-critical, try this:

• Close your eyes. Picture your internal conference table.
  

• Who’s sitting there? The critic? The planner? The tired one? The part that’s afraid you’re failing?
  

• Now imagine your wiser self taking a seat at the head of the table.
  

• Let her breathe.
  

• Let her listen.
  

• Let her lead—not with force, but with love.
  

Let Love Lead You Through Struggling with Emotions—And Redefine What That Means

When we invite our wiser self to the head of the table, we’re really inviting Love to lead. Not the kind of love sold in movies or confined to romance—but the kind that sees clearly, stays present, and makes room for truth.

Many of us carry a complicated relationship with the word Love. We associate it with softness or sentimentality, something that feels out of place in a world that values toughness, logic, and grit. But the Love that heals—the Love that changes us—is not meek. It is fierce in its presence. Grounded in reality. Tender and tenacious.

Love Beyond the Cliché

In a recent episode of 10% Happier, Dan Harris and meditation teacher Matthew Brensilver explore Love not as an emotion, but as an orientation. They describe it as the ability to turn toward the rawness and complexity of life with openness.

Love invites us to step out of the narrow hallway of our own suffering—the self-centered myopic loop of “what’s wrong with me?”—and into connection with the shared human condition. It’s not about bypassing our pain—it’s about remembering that we’re not alone in it. That what aches in us is echoed in others. Love moves us out of the shame spiral and reconnects us to something larger than ourselves.

Why Self-Compassion Matters when Struggling with Emotions

And this is where self-compassion comes in. Because Love, when it turns inward, becomes the practice of self-compassion.

Self-compassion isn’t about coddling ourselves or giving up on growth. It’s about creating the kind of internal environment where real change is possible.

I often ask my clients, “Is there any amount of compassion you could offer this part of you?” Just enough to stay with it. Just enough to allow, with Love.

The science backs this up—self-compassion is correlated with increased motivation, resilience, emotional intelligence, and even productivity. But it doesn’t feel natural to many of us. It can feel clunky, foreign, even foolish. We’ve been taught that harshness is the path to self-improvement. That shame is the price of progress.

But self-hatred is not a sustainable strategy. It burns fast and burns out. Compassion, on the other hand, keeps us in the game. It allows us to rest and rise again. To stay in relationship with ourselves rather than splinter off.

And yes, it takes practice.

So if Love feels too big or too abstract, start with this: What would it look like to meet yourself with just 2% more compassion today?

Just a breath of gentleness. Just enough warmth to stay with what’s here.

Real Life: When the World Can’t Hold Your Feelings

In a recent session, a client shared a powerful story that brought all of this into focus. She, her siblings, and her mother had staged an intervention for her father. It was serious, emotional terrain. And my client—a deeply sensitive, wise, emotionally attuned woman—had taken it to heart. She’d written down what she wanted to say, prepared herself, and approached the conversation with gravity and care.

But her sisters coped in a different way. They laughed. They made jokes. They deflected. My client saw this clearly—not as malice, but as protection. It was vulnerability they couldn’t yet make space for, not even in themselves. Still, it hurt. She tried to hold it in, but eventually her anger erupted. She yelled. She broke down into tears.

Afterward, she shared something profoundly important: “I don’t like anger. It usually leads to me punishing myself.”

And then—she caught herself in mid-pattern—she said, “But not all the time.”

That insight? That was everything. Because in our conversation, we uncovered two truths she hadn’t been able to name before:

1. Her family’s discomfort with her emotion is not an indicator of its wrongness.
   

2. She is the one person she can always count on to offer her feelings safety, empathy, and space.

   
   

Her story is a vivid example of how struggling with emotions doesn’t require fixing—it requires listening. She’s learning not to silence herself, not to deny or suppress what’s true. But also, not to place her most vulnerable parts in rooms that cannot hold them. That’s not hiding. That’s wisdom. That’s boundaries. That’s self-compassion in practice.

You Are Not a Project. You Are a Person.

You don’t need more rules. You need more relationship—with yourself.

You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be met.

Not a tighter grip. A softer landing.

Not more fixing. More listening.

Not another productivity hack. A deep trust in your inner wisdom.

You’re not too much.

You’re not behind.

You’re not failing at being human.

Let love lead. Let compassion guide.

You are not a problem to be solved.

You are a whole, complex, brilliant being learning how to come home to yourself.

Your life is asking for gentleness.

And I’m here to remind you: That’s not weakness. That’s strength.

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You don’t have to figure this out alone.

If you’re struggling with emotions that feel too big, too messy, or too much—and you find yourself stuck in “I don’t know” land—you’re not broken. You’re human. And this season deserves tenderness, not toughness.

Whether you’re navigating burnout, a life transition, or just feeling worn thin by daily demands, your emotions aren’t problems to be fixed. They’re part of your wholeness.

Coaching is a space where we make room for all of it—so you can build the emotional endurance, self-trust, and steadiness you need to feel grounded in yourself again.

👉 Start here: Grab the free Get to Know Your Inner World practice. You’ll learn how to navigate difficult emotions and take the first step toward calm in the face of chaos.

👉 Want deeper support? This is the heart of the work I do with clients every day: not fixing, but witnessing. Not pushing, but partnering. If you’re ready to trade self-management for self-trust, I’d love to support you. Request a free connection call to explore coaching together.

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