Recognizing the Fear of Rejection
A client of mine recently sent me a message sharing an incident that triggered a familiar, deep-seated fear of rejection. She had texted a friend and invited her to a late lunch during a break in her snowboarding day with her boyfriend. The friend accepted, and all seemed set.
However, on the day of the lunch, my client and her boyfriend—famished and needing food much earlier than anticipated—grabbed a meal without thinking much of it. Halfway through, she realized she hadn’t updated her friend. She quickly reached out, letting her know about the change of plans, and then went about her day.
Hours passed, and she heard nothing back. Later that evening, an unsettling sensation took hold. Oh no, what if she’s mad at me? What if I hurt her feelings? Did I do something wrong?
Her mind spiraled. She quickly texted her friend again, apologizing for any unintentional rudeness. The next day, still silence. The “what ifs” spun her into a mental frenzy. What if she’s so angry that she doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if I’ve permanently damaged the relationship?
When Our Past Shapes Our Present
A few days later, my client met up with her friend for lunch. To her surprise, her friend wasn’t mad at all—she had simply been nursing a brutal hangover after a wild weekend. The silence had nothing to do with my client.
This moment of relief was profound but also revealing. It showed her how much she had been carrying. The fear of rejection had gripped her so tightly that she spent days feeling anxious over a scenario that wasn’t even real.
First, sometimes there isn’t anything to figure out. Why questions can lead us into overthinking. My client realized she hadn’t been getting enough rest that week—something that always heightened her self-doubt and made her more prone to scanning for perceived threats.
But second, sometimes there is something to figure out, especially if we notice a pattern.
She recognized that her heightened fear of rejection wasn’t just about her friend. It was an old, familiar feeling—one rooted in childhood. Growing up with a highly sensitive mother, she had learned to constantly check in, gauge the emotional temperature of the room, and make sure she hadn’t upset anyone. Was Mom okay? Were they okay? This relentless monitoring became second nature. Now, as an adult, any sign of uncertainty in a relationship could send her into an anxious spiral.
Using Triggers as Trailheads for Growth
This incident was a door—an opening into a deeper exploration of her relationship with rejection. And beyond that, an invitation to step into an even bigger room: self-worth.
When we feel triggered by a situation, we often want to escape the discomfort. But what if we saw these moments as trailheads—starting points on a journey of discovery?
Questions to Ask Yourself When You Feel the Fear of Rejection:
What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Is this fear based on evidence or assumption?
Have I experienced this kind of reaction before? If so, what patterns do I notice?
What does this moment reveal about my deeper needs?
How would I respond if I were coming from a place of self-worth rather than fear?
By asking these questions, we can begin to shift from reacting to responding. Instead of letting old wounds dictate our present, we can rewrite the narrative.
Expanding Our Capacity for Discomfort
One of the biggest lessons in overcoming the fear of rejection is increasing our capacity to be with discomfort. When my client felt that wave of anxiety, she wanted to fix it—to get reassurance, to make sure everything was okay. But what if she had allowed herself to approach that discomfort with curiosity instead? What if she had reminded herself, I don’t know what’s going on, and that’s okay. I am still worthy and whole, regardless of how someone else responds.
Rejection—real or perceived—doesn’t have to be something we run from. It can be something we learn from.
The Fear of Rejection Is a Door, Not a Dead End
This journey isn’t about never feeling triggered again. It’s about learning to recognize those triggers as trailheads—opportunities to explore, grow, and step more fully into our worth.
Next time you find yourself spiraling in self-doubt, take a deep breath. Notice the stories your mind is creating. And ask yourself: What is this moment inviting me to learn?
Fear of rejection may whisper old stories, but you get to decide how the next chapter unfolds.
The core issues we avoid, return. Sometimes with different faces, but still, we are brought full circle to them, again and again. Regardless of how we may try to skip over or sidestep what we need to face, we humbly discover that no other threshold is possible until we use our courage to open the door before us. ~ Mark Nepo
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